He’s swinging for a homerun, but doesn’t even get a single.
The makers of Terror Birds (2016) clearly don’t know the tropes of the terror genre. The vapid blonde would-be Valley Girl should have been eternally annoying until she becomes the first victim of the birds. Instead, amidst the annoyance, she knees a horny guy in the balls really good (we cheered), gets off a few snappy lines, is mildly clever once, survives way too long, and then doesn’t even fall prey to the birds. Instead, she is presumably snapped up by the alligator/crocodile that we see taking a run at her – right after she says, “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding!”
Of course, terror requires a sense of injustice. Remember the guy who took it in the family jewels? He ends up, involuntarily, as one of our six contestants. Given his poor behavior with the blonde, he would have perfectly fit the bill of injustice by surviving nearly until the end. Indeed, he could have exhibited a behavior indicating he was maturing out of his “I’m all horny” phase, and then be disposed of.
Instead, he’s victim #1, handily and quickly beheaded. His terror point total must have been fairly low.
In case you’re worried, though, there is an amoral millionaire and some sufficiently repulsive minions (poor puppies!), and the most pathetic of our contestants do win out in the end. They’re even slightly clever doing it.
But if you’re going to mess with the tropes, do it well. Remember Mr. Hornypants and the blonde? I think those two should have been the surprise winners. She could have taught him a thing or two about being a gentleman – or at least breaking into cars – and who knows what she could have learned from him.
Ah, well. Hey, I learned a new word – slutosaurus.
And in case it hasn’t become obvious just yet, don’t bother with this stinker. OK, the acting is mostly adequate. But even the special effects sucked.
