If you look closely, you’ll see Pia Zadora.
The clash of the forces for preserving the status quo, or conservatism, vs improvement of society, or what is generally considered liberalism, are the focus of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964). This particular example is illustrative of the error of shrinking from change to society over the welfare of children.
The children of Mars have become despondent, perhaps finding the eating of their food in pill form and engaging in accelerated learning techniques to be enervating, and a meeting is called by the leaders of Mars to discover the problem. Consulting an ancient oracle, the leaders discover that it’s nearing Christmas Day on Earth, and while the Earth children anticipate the receipt of gifts, the Martian children do not.
The leaders discuss the problem under the leadership of Kimar, and, against the protests of Bomar Voldar, decide to proceed to Earth and kidnap Santa Claus. Against the background of continued grumbling of Bomar Voldar, who believes the disturbance of the children of Mars will soon pass, the Martians proceed to kidnap a couple of children to help them find the proper Santa Claus, as every street corner seems to have a Santa Claus, and then, at the North Pole, to actually abduct him, after knocking out some mouthy elves. During this operation, the fell power of Santa Claus is hinted at, as their supposedly impregnable robot, Torg, becomes immobile and useless. Claus himself, however, puts up little resistance and accompanies the Martians and the children, who had temporarily escaped, back to their ship.
The return to Mars is not without excitement, for the evil designs of Bomar nearly come to fruition when he traps Santa and the children in an airlock and attempts to asphyxiate them by opening the outer door to the airless void outside the ship, but Claus and the kids find a way to stop him. Bomar Voldar finds himself imprisoned for this attempted crime.
Upon landing on Mars, Bomar Voldar escapes and, with some cohorts who seem to have watched too many Three Stooges escapades, plots to undue the damage being done to Martian society by Claus. And what might that be? A might toy machine has been built, and all Santa must do is press buttons in response to the requests from the children of Mars to fulfill their wishes. But Santa is not without discontent, for his fingers are not accustomed to this sort of work, and he yearns for the days when toys were hand-built by his elves.
So when sabotage damages the machine, Santa sees an opportunity for excitement. He organizes the Earth kids and a couple of Martian kids to set a trap for Bomar Voldar and his minions, all the while cultivating another comic failure Martian named Dropo as his own replacement. Upon the capture and restraint of Bomar Voldar, Santa points out that the machine and Dropo can take his place, and he is returned to Earth by his grateful Martian friends.
And it’s awful.
It’s so awful it’s almost charming. The dialog is dull, and the delivery is stilted. Worse yet, the Martians appear to be wearing plumbing on their heads. Kimar, the glorious leader, appears to be bereft of a sense of humor, much like his antagonist, Bomar Voldar. The cinematography is dull, special effects almost non-existent. And why oh why would the United States dispense heavy bombers to investigate that blip in the sky?
And yet … the charm comes from the eccentricities. Who can resist mouthy elves? And there’s this polar bear that menaces the kids at the North Pole that I found I just wanted to hug.
And Torg, the robot, for all that its role was severely limited, made me laugh for its unfalteringly naive appearance.
And in the end, I couldn’t help but speculate that Santa Claus should have snapped his fingers and returned to Earth. We’re already a little puzzled at the escape from the airlock trap, not to mention the immobilization of the fearsome Torg. The suggestion that Santa has magical powers might set the ears of the Martians back a little. A little humble pie, as it were.
But don’t waste your time on this unless you’re involved in a tour of odd Christmas movies. Then this should be the first one on the list.
And here’s a link to the YouTube of it, in color. The version I saw was black and white, and not well done, either. Consider yourself lucky.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dhvdnzHBr0
