A bit of GOP partisan humor happened across my virtual desk this morning, and I’m feeling that engineer’s urge to… improve it. Let’s see what I can do! To be fair, I’ll quote the entire missive, in italics, so we can see where the anonymous author did well, and where they missed an opportunity, I’ll cross out the mistake and put in a suggested replacement, in bold and not in italics. I’ve included links to provide proper documentation of the improvements, because, well, I’m an engineer.
Democrat[ic] Convention Schedule
Monday, July 25, 2016
11:15 AMFree lunch, medical marijuana, and bus ride to the Convention.
Forms distributed forFood StampMedicaid enrollment sponsored by special guest Governor Matthew Bevin (R-KY).
1:30 PMGroup Voter Registration for
Illegal Immigrants.everyone, managed by the Society of Arizona Election Officials
3:15 PMAddress on “Being the Real You”
Rachel Dolezal, former Head of the Seattle NAACP and
Caitlyn Jenner, assisted by Donald Trump
(which Donald will show up TBD)
4:30 PM“How to Bank $200 Million as a
Public Servant and Claim to be Broke”
Hillary Clinton
4:45 PMHow to spend $130 Million to
buy the Presidencybecome a Public Servant
and not make it to the Nominating Convention
Jeb Bush
4:50 PMHow to have a successful career
without ever having a job, and
still avoid paying taxes!
A Seminar Moderated by Al Sharpton (pastor, host of “Keepin’ it real with Al Sharpton“) and the Reverend Jesse Jackson (civil rights leader, informal diplomat, radio host) on the performance of Mark Driscoll in this role
5:00 PMWhy Billionaires Should Never Pay Taxes!
A Lesson In Civic Responsibility
Rex Sinquefield (R-MO)
5:10 PMMedals of Freedom presentation to
Army deserter Bo Bergdahl
for serving with Honor and Distinction (special live video from his prison cell while he awaits court-martial by the Obama Administration)
National Security Advisor Susan RiceStephen Colbert
5:30 PMSupreme Court Justice seat presentation to Harriet Myers
special guest George W. Bush
5:45 PMInvitation-only Autograph Session
Souvenir photographs of Hillary and
Chelsea Clinton, and conservative political commentator Bill O’Reilly dodging Sniper Fire in Bosnia
6:30 PMGeneral vote on praising
Baltimore riotersTrump supporters
and on using the terminology
“Alternative Shoppers” instead of “LootersCorporate Welfare Queens”
7:30 PMBreakout session with Bill Clinton
for women on avoiding the upcoming draftregarding his ongoing support of nominative determinism when pardoning millionaire Marc Rich
8:30 PMThe White House “Semantics Committee” Meeting.
General vote on re-branding “Muslim Terrorism” as
“Random Acts of Islamic Over-Exuberance”, and how our playful spanking has remanded them to their nannies.
9:00 PM“Liberal Bias in Media“ How we can make it work for you!
Tutorial sponsored by CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, PBS,
the Washington Post and the New York Times, for Fox News viewers who’ve not been able to keep up with all those damn liberals
with Guest Speakers Brian Williams and Bruce Bartlett
9:15 PMTribute Film to the
Brave Freedom FightersInnocent detainees
still incarcerated at GITMO
Michael MooreLawrence B. Wilkerson, chief of staff to Secretary of State Colin Powell
9:45 PMPersonal Finance Seminar –
“Businesses Don’t Create Jobs”
Hillary Clinton
11:00 PMShort film, “Setting Up Your Own Illegal
Email Server While Serving in A
Cabinet Post and How to Pretend
It’s No Big Deal”
Hosted by Hillary Clinton, followed by Senator Mitch McConnell’s feature length presentation of “Shirking Congressional Duties and Besmirching the Dignity of the Office”, written and directed by TBA
11:30 PMOfficial Nomination of Hillary
Bill Maher and Chris MatthewsLate Addition! New time slot opened up for the homeless Republican National Convention!
Due to scheduling conflicts, one event only!
Official Nomination of Donald Trump or Ted Cruz
John Kasich, Best Man
Marco Rubio, Flower Boy
Joyfully hosted by Hillary and Bernie
